Your Love

I felt Your love
within me deep
but wanted no one
to know.

My friends would
not understand
the compassion
I dare not show.

It’s terrible to
hide who you are
share not the pain,
hide the scar.

I thought it would
be easy,
just hide the hurt
with a trip to the bar.

Years went by
You and the pain
were always there
Oh, God what am I to do?

I prayed that
little Prayer a lot
never thinking
I would hear from You.

I remember that
wonderful day
when I became
the man I am suppose to be.

I look in the bars
and see my
friends
Could they be just like me?

"Just a young boy..."

Poem

A single shot in the dark rang out,
on that cold and dreary night;
Running ,screaming they began to shout
nothing but heartache, chaos and fright.

Feeling so lost in fear and pain,
alone in my despair;
There was no one but Satan there to reign
never thinking that You would be there.

A dying child I held with dread,
a small hole in his chest;
helplessness, grief and tears as I plead
please, please don’t put me through this test!

“Dear God, please help me” I cried aloud,
so insecure, so full of doubt;
I was no longer vain, I was no longer proud
we faced this alone, there was no way out.

He in my arms took his final breath,
so very small, an angelic face;
I looked into his eyes and saw only death
just a young boy...so full of Grace.

Suddenly I knew that You were there,
I heard but a whisper inside my heart;
where my feelings lay bare
as I stood there spent, unable to part.



“From earthly things he now will go,
no longer hurting, no longer in pain;
he’s with Me now and I love him so
through my Son’s salvation, heaven he will gain.”

In all this anguish, pain and fear,
into my heart You come, like a dove;
like a soft wind, the Spirit appear,
to show me the infinity of Your love.

Buvver

I wanted Buvvers wife to know that he was more then a hospital assignment to me. He was a great friend. I planned on reading the letter below at his funeral but didn't have the opprtunity.

I met Buvver over eight months ago. It’s funny how God brings someone into your life just when you need them. I’m glad that He brought Buvver into mine. We became fast friends. I always enjoyed our time together. It was wonderful to see his face light up when I came to visit. He never complained about his illness although he was in severe pain most of the time.

Once, while he was a patient in a nursing home I came to visit while he was in pain and heavily sedated. He was moaning softly. I put a CD in his player and started his music. Suddenly he stopped moaning and began to hum along with the music. Our Lord was in that room with us that day I could feel His presence. He took the pain away from Buuver so that he could enjoy his music and He allowed me to be there to witness His healing. It was a very special moment in my life that I will never forget.

When I came to visit I had the privilege of listening to his stories about his family. He never talked about himself or his accomplishments. He only spoke of family. He was very proud of his Dad, his brothers and his children. As we talked I began to realize that his was the example that his family was following. It was because of his example that his family are who they are today.

As I wrote above, I’ve known Buuver for about eight months and he changed my life. It was a honor to have known him. He helped me more then I could ever help him.

I read somewhere that you are reconnected with those you love after you die and I believe it. If I am right then I’ll see you later Buuver!

Friday before Retreat 2006

Friday

I spent all morning while I was at work looking at the clock and couldn’t wait until I could leave and finally be on my way to pick up John and then to the Retreat house.

I felt guilty about this weekend because there are so many things happening. First, and foremost, Sawyer is getting Baptized and I really should be there for that. Plus, Danielle is getting her Masters in Nursing and what a proud moment for her and us. The third thing and a really important one, Jeanne is feeling sick and has to go to the clinic for tests. I guess when you start to get around our age you start to worry about aches and pains, wondering if it is a major illness.

Jeanne knows how important this weekend is for me and she insisted that I go to Retreat. I did feel guilty as she left to go for her tests while I waited for Augie to come and pick me up. All these things were going through my mind as I waited. I also knew that if I didn’t go then three guys who were counting on me to drive them to the Retreat Center weren’t going to be able to go. All three of these guys are sick and want to spend time alone with Christ. I couldn’t take that away from them so it was tough decision to make and I’m not sure I would have went if it were only me going but I couldn’t let these guys down.

Augie picked me up in his new six passenger van and we started on our trip to Sauk Rapids to pick up John and Harold. We started talking about church and all the problems we’re faced with from complacent to the down-right nasty individuals that are a part of our parish. Augie wasn’t the only one talking. I was doing my share of griping too. It really is hard to keep from saying anything when there are people that don’t want me to do the Rosary on Sunday before Mass. I feel that if they want to do the Rosary they certainly can, but when asked to do so turned me down flat, advising me that I should be looking for someone else, preferably a young person, to do it. I asked why it was my responsibility to find someone and was told that I think that I’m such a big person at the Church I should find someone. I just couldn’t understand that kind of reasoning. So, I vented to Augie thinking that maybe he might have an answer. Or, was that the reason I told Augie? Maybe, I was just my way of agreeing with him, that there really are some nasty people at our Church. When I “go there” I am reminded of the writings of Merton who wrote that we are all the Body of Christ with all our faults and limitations. I am reminded that without everyone of us there would be no Christ on earth. We through our Church are the body of Christ on earth. I can go on with the many gripes that we both had and talked about but I won’t because I’m ashamed of myself for falling into that pit of self pity. I am a better person than that. I Pray that our Lord will forgive me for my shortcomings.
Whenever I feel the urge to “vent” my feelings about any individual in my community I will think back to Holy Thursday.

I was reading Merton and came to the part where he writes that we are all a part the “universal” (Catholic) Church, that we all need each other to bring the love of Christ into this world. That night at Mass I watched as people of different ages, sex, nationalities and even political views went to the front of the Altar and kissed the Cross as it was being held by two altar servers (politically correct). I had tears as I watched people who could hardly walk bend down to kiss the foot of that Cross. I knew then what Merton was writing about. We are all so very different, we all think so differently, we all look so different but in Christ’ eyes we are all the same. He came here for our salvation, ALL of our salvation. No, I don’t always agree with some of the decisions made by others as I am sure they don’t agree with mine but we all have a right to make them be they right or wrong. We’re not here to judge one another but I know that I’ve been guilty of that not only in our Community but in my family as well. I certainly am not perfect but when I start to “vent” in the future I will remember that cross and all the people that came to it. I will also remember Calvary and all the people that let our Lord down, all those that judged Him, all those that abandoned Him and how utterly alone He was.

My Dad

As most of you know I didn't have a very good relationship with my Dad during my teen years. I am not going to go into the specifics of our relationship but I guess any teenage boy can sit and write about all the "bad" things their Dads did to them. Lets just say I was a typical teenage boy.
After my Moms death and much Prayer I decided that I needed to make ammends to my Dad because I didn't know how long he would be around and I wanted him to know that I loved him. I wrote him a letter after Moms funeral and this is what he wrote me back:

Letter from my Dad
( date is unknown, but it was after the family re-union in 2000)

Earl

Just a few lines to thank you for the money you sent me and the card that I received from you telling me how proud you were of me and that made me the happiest man on earth. I am saving the card for the rest of my life and I would not take a million dollars for it. I am so proud of you that you are my son. I always proud and love you very much and you know how hard it is to raise 10 children. I want you to tell Jean that I am so happy that she my daughter in law and I love her very much.
I am not very good at letter writing and I hope you can read it.
I don’t know a lot about your family but tell my grandchildren and great grandchildren that I love all of them.

Well, I don’t know what else to say=Just to say that you made me a very happy Dad and very happy to have a son like you.


I love your family
Love your wife
And I love you with
All of heart.
Happy Dad

Needless to say, I cried when I first read this letter and now that he's gone I cry every time a read it...I am crying right now. I thank God for giving me the insight to write my Dad that final letter. I have his letter framed and in my den. And like he wrote "I will save it for the rest of my life and wouldn't take a million dollars for it".

Hospice Retreat

Last Thursday I spent the whole day attending a hospice retreat at the Holiday Inn in Willmar. It was a day of compassion and deep thought. Generally, it dealt with the care, needs and emotions of people that are in the last stages of life and their families. I won't give a full synopsis of the day but I leave you with this. One of the speakers Father Nick Mezacapa, an Episcopal Priest from Rochester Mn. said the following:

" Without Mortality there would be no need for forgiveness or
asking to be forgiven.
We would keep putting off forgiving those who wrong us
or asking to be forgiven for our wrongs...until the end of time."

What I believe he meant was, At the time of impending death most people wish to mend relationships which is the most important thing a person can do...to ask to be forgiven and to forgive those left behind...which is the most wonderful gift of all.

Old Draft that I forgot to post

As some of you know I'm a Hospice volunteer. I had a patient with the nickname of "Buvver". Buvver and I became very good friends for the ten months that I knew him. He was a very special person and I will miss him. I wrote a little message that I was going to read at his funeral but I did not get the opportunity. I thought I would share it with you:

Buuver

I met Buuver over eight months ago. It’s funny how God brings someone into your life just when you need them. I’m glad that He brought Buuver into mine. We became fast friends. I always enjoyed our time together. It was wonderful to see his face light up when I came to visit. He never complained about his illness although he was in severe pain most of the time.

Once, while he was a patient in a nursing home I came to visit while he was in pain and heavily sedated. He was moaning softly. I put a CD in his player and started his music. Suddenly he stopped moaning and began to hum along with the music. Our Lord was in that room with us that day I could feel His presence. He took the pain away from Buuver so that he could enjoy his music and He allowed me to be there to witness His healing. It was a very special moment in my life that I will never forget.

When I came to visit I had the privilege of listening to his stories about his family. He never talked about himself or his accomplishments. He only spoke of family. He was very proud of his Dad, his brothers and his children. As we talked I began to realize that his was the example that his family was following. It was because of his example that his family are who they are today.

As I wrote above, I’ve known Buuver for about eight months and he changed my life. It was a honor to have known him. He helped me more then I could ever help him.

I read somewhere that you are reconnected with those you love after you die and I believe it. If I am right then I’ll see you later Buuver!

I sent a copy of the letter to Buvvers wife who called me the day that she got it. She was choking off tears as she thanked me. I feel very honored to have known the family and thank the Spirit for bringing us together.

Brand New

I'm brand new at this so I hope you all will be very patient with me. It took me half an hour to figure out how to put a picture on the blog site. I like that picture because it reminds me of all the good times I've had with the McArthur family. If things were fair my last name would have been changed to McArthur when Jeanne and I got married instead of the other way around because they really made me feel as one of the family.
I guess that you all know by the name of this blog that I will be writing about how the Spirit has made Himself known in my life. I hope I can explain myself properly because it means so much to me that you all understand how the Spirit has brought Joy into my life and how He has taken the pain away.
I will post experiences both from the past and present that I feel were and are Jesus reminding me that He has been and always will be a part of my life.
I hope you like it and that by reading this you will realize that He has been calling you too...